Terrence Anathema is back again today, presiding over a peculiar arrangement for the sixth round of this tournament. Ladies, gentlemen, theydies, I can scarcely believe my eyes. Our first challenger is one Alicia Owly, who, I admit, dear audience, I haven't the faintest idea of who she is. I do, however, know of her opponent; I'd wager everyone here do, too. I mean, the blonde hair and guitar controller are dead giveaways. It's the one and only Jordan Dooling, who I've heard recently challenged the nuclear chaos Azathoth, that daemon sultan whose dreams are the fabric of our reality; and who, prior to that, fought alongside the slender man to defeat the world-eater Xanadu, Rapture himself. I think I know who we're all betting on to win this fight. Today they're fighting in a library. There's no one else around, so I imagine they won't be too worried about making noise during their fight.
Alicia is the one who breaks their silence. "Right, I have no idea who you are, but the Archive told me that they'd tell me what I need to know if I fight you." She pulls out a gun, checks it to make sure it's ready to be used, then slides it into her belt and puts on her weighted gloves, and drops into a fighting stance. "You ready?"
With that, she starts forward at top speed, intent on ending this round before it can start. However, before she can reach him, Jordan instead turns away from her and starts walking down one of the aisles of bookshelves, searching intently for something.
Why do the fights I preside over always devolve like this?
Alicia stops and stares at Jordan as he walks, in disbelief at this development.
"Jesus Christ, I'm trying to fight you, here. Why wouldn't you show any interest in defending yourself?" She begins readying herself for her pursuit to start again.
However, Jordan then turns to speak to her.
"Believe me, I'd usually love to just submit to a woman such as yourself at a time like this. However, I was in the middle of my Joyce studies when I was brought here, so I would rather continue with that. To do so, I need to find a copy of Finnegans Wake, so that's what I'm doing." And he again turns away to continue his search.
Alicia doesn't seem surprised by this. In fact, it looks to me like she's come up with a plan.
"Oh, is that all? Well, I happen to know this library like the back of my hand; I can tell you exactly where you'd find what you're looking for." At this, Jordan stops and turns to face her, and she continues: "However, you know as well as I do that I can't just give it to you. I'll tell you what, if you throw this fight, I'll tell you what you want to know, and then I'll learn what I need to know."
She's got Jordan's attention, I can tell from here. However, before he can accept her offer, she begins to convulse strangely. Her eyes glaze over, becoming a pale blue in colour. She goes limp for a moment, then reaches for her gun, though her motions are jerky and erratic, suggesting to me that she is resisting some new force that is controlling her.
"Can you see seas rise, Jordan? Or are you in twosome twiminds about your second sight?"
Sounds to me like EAT has taken over Alicia's body somehow. I'm half-tempted to disqualify her, but I realise that it was not her intention to be possessed during her fight, so I'll let it slide. "Looks like you'll have to fight this one out, Jordan," I say to him.
"Tiger Stripes, don't fail me now," he mumbles in reply, and readies himself for the coming fight. This is exciting, dear readers; I never expected a development like this to happen in a fight I'm narrating.
EAT-licia begins firing her gun at Jordan, who dodges behind a nearby bookcase. I imagine he'll attempt to flank his opponent in an attempt to get that gun away from her. After a few moments of crouch-running through the corridors of books, he does successfully get behind EAT-licia and goes for his sneak-strike to disarm her.
However, she turns to face him before he can land his attack, and produces a book from behind her back. It's Finnegans Wake. Jordan stops his attack for fear of damaging the object of his studies. EAT-licia then gets her gun out again and shoots the book.
Jordan is beginning to seethe with rage, it looks like. Will this be enough for him to overcome his opponent and avenge the fallen labyrinth of text? He thrusts his guitar controller forward at her stomach.
However, his attack is effortlessly dodged, and EAT-licia counters him by swiftly striking his own stomach with a weighted punch, then another to his neck. Jordan goes down with a dull thud, writhing on the ground in what looks like a tonne of agony. He's not getting up from that, I think. Therefore, I think I can safely declare Alicia Owly to be the winner of this round, in what could easily be the upset of the ages.
However, there is one last surprise to be seen in this encounter. Alicia's eyes regain their initial colour, which I assume means that EAT is no longer controlling her. She looks down at the crumpled body of her former opponent, then notices the destroyed copy of the Wake at her feet. She doesn't appear to be surprised by this, and she then retrieves a second copy of that eldritch sacred text from a nearby shelf, then places it atop Jordan's now-inert guitar controller for him to find when he recovers.
"I'm sorry it had to come to that, man," she says, then turns to leave their battleground to meet her contact from the Archive, who seems satisfied with this turn of events. It looks to me, dear reader, that even though Jordan lost the fight, everyone won this round in the end. Ain't that nice?
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