Round 4: Shan Cassidy vs. Kareena Nejem

Acelegin; Hello, everybody! I'm Acelegin, and I'm joined tonight by Red Daniel, who apparently has the day off from work, and had nothing better to do than tag along and annoy the hell out of me.

Red Daniel; That's right, baby! I'm also a part of whatever this is! Speaking of which, the fuck is going on?

Acelegin; We're here to provide commentary on a fight between two Mythos characters.

Red Daniel; I see. And who exactly arranged this event?

Acelegin; No idea. Someone powerful who likes tournaments, I guess.

Red Daniel; Huh. Not ringing any bells. So, who's murdering each other today?

Acelegin; I'm getting to that. Our first contestant is... Shan Cassidy!

A spotlight comes on, casting light on Shan, who's gripping her metal bat tightly, prepared for whatever was about to happen.

Red Daniel; Oo, she's a cutie.

Acelegin; And her opponent is... Kareena Nejem!

A second spotlight comes on, revealing Kareena, armed with a handgun.

Red Daniel; Ah, yeah! Cat fight!

Acelegin produces a spray bottle filled with water and spritzes Red Daniel with it.

Red Daniel; Ack! What the hell?

Acelegin; No. Down boy.

Red Daniel; I'm not an animal!

Acelegin; Coulda fooled me. Anyway, on to the randomized arena.

Acelegin spins a roulette wheel, that slowly comes to a halt.

Acelegin; And our arena is... a suburban strip mall that was recently hit by a 7.5 earthquake!

Red Daniel; That's... weirdly specific...

The girls are transported to a devastated shopping area in a suburban town.

Acelegin; All right! Now that we have our fighters and our battleground, it's time to begin the-

Red Daniel; Wait! Don't start the fight yet!

Acelegin; What? Why?

The camera zooms in dramatically on Red Daniel's face.

Red Daniel; I need to use the bathroom!

Acelegin, Shan, and Kareena all stare at Red Daniel in disbelief.

Acelegin; Are you fucking kidding me?

Red Daniel; I had a lot of soda earlier.

Acelegin pinches his brow.

Acelegin; Ugh, fine. But make it quick.

Acelegin turns to address Shan and Kareena.

Acelegin; And you two! Just chill out until he gets back. Don't start fighting until I give the OK.

Red Daniel; Okay! I'll be back in a jiffy!

45 minutes later.

Acelegin is on his laptop, while Shan sits reading a magazine, and Kareena raids an abandoned gas station, looking for salvageable snacks. Red Daniel bursts into the announcer's booth.

Red Daniel; I have returned, peasants!

Acelegin quickly shuts his laptop.

Acelegin; Jesus, Red! What the fuck took you so long!?

Red Daniel stares at Acelegin's laptop for a moment.

Red Daniel; You were looking at Alice Angel fanart, weren't you?

Acelegin; Wh- I- NO! Shut up! Don't change the subject! What took you so long!?

Red Daniel; Sorry. There was... um... a line...

Acelegin glares skeptically at Red Daniel.

Acelegin; Riiiiight. Sure there was.

Acelegin rises and addresses Shan and Kareena.

Acelegin; All right, girls! Do I have your attention!?

Shan and Kareena stand up and turn their attention to the announcer's booth.

Acelegin; Red's finally back. Thank you both for being so patient, but it's finally time for the main event to take place. Take your positions!

Shan and Kareena stand across from each other, readying their weapons.

Acelegin; Let the fight... BEGIN!

Shan and Kareena begin charging at each other.

Acelegin; Okay, the fight is on, and Shan has somehow deflected one of Kareena's bullets with her bat.

Red Daniel; You'd think the girl with the gun would have the advantage.

Acelegin; Apparently not. Shan has now gotten up close and knocked the gun from Kareena's hand.

Red Daniel; Yep. Kareena is now unarmed, but doesn't seem to be ready to give up. She's dodging Shan's bat swings and trying to get some hits in of her own.

Acelegin; And she's successful! Kareena has managed to land a hook punch to Shan's jaw. But it wasn't enough to bring her down.

Red Daniel; Shan has managed to knock Kareena's legs out from under her, and Kareena falls to the ground and... she's gone. Where the fuck did she go?

Acelegin; She seems to have melted into the shadows. She's reappeared a distance away, and seems to be catching her breath.

Red Daniel; Shan's noticed her, and is now running toward her, ready to strike.

Acelegin; Something seems to have caught Kareena's eye, and she darts behind some rubble, and emerges with... a machete? Why is there a machete there!?

Red Daniel; Good question.

Acelegin turns to Red Daniel angrily.

Acelegin; Red, did you spend the last 45 minutes hiding weapons throughout the battlefield?

Red Daniel; What? No, of course not...

Acelegin; Red!

Red Daniel; Okay, maybe I hid a few weapons here and there...

Acelegin; Is that even allowed?

Red Daniel shrugs.

Acelegin; If I get in trouble with whoever's in charge here over this, I am absolutely throwing your sorry ass under the bus.

Red Daniel; Aren't we supposed to be providing commentary?

Acelegin; Shit! Right, I got distracted! Okay, it seems that Shan has lost her metal bat, and is now wielding a Chinese dao that must have been hidden somewhere. The battle has now become a full on sword fight.

Red Daniel; Whoa, there's two Kareena's now! How the hell did that happen?

Acelegin; Let me check the file real quick.

Acelegin glances over a file on the fighters.

Acelegin; It seems Kareena can create illusions.

Red Daniel; Huh. Neat.

Acelegin; It seems Kareena is using illusion copies of her self to throw off Shan. And it seems to be working quite well.

Red Daniel; Shan's begun retreating now, and is desperately looking around for a better weapon to arm herself with.

Acelegin; She's now acquired a hand grenade. She's pulled the pin out and tossed it in Kareena's direction, but Kareena was able to escape by disappearing into a nearby shadow.

Red Daniel; She's better at escaping explosions than you are.

Acelegin spritzes Red Daniel with his spray bottle again.

Red Daniel; Gah! Dick!

Acelegin; Kareena has reappeared, and she now has a shotgun. She fires at Shan, but misses. Shan drops her sword and scoops up a sub-machine gun.

Red Daniel; Both girls have taken cover and have begun firing at each other.

Acelegin; It seems Kareena has run out of ammunition first. Shan seems to have noticed this as well, and hs abandoned her cover to get a closer shot.

Red Daniel; Whoa, what's going on with Kareena now? She's... changing.

Acelegin; She seems to be shape-shifting into some kind of wolf bird hybrid. IT looks painful.

Red Daniel; It's kind of hot.

Acelegin; Red, she's underaged.

Red Daniel; By how much? I can wait a year or t-

Acelegin spritzes Red Daniel again.

Red Daniel; Damn it! Would you stop that!?

Acelegin; Kareena has completed her transformation. Shan has gotten close and fired her gun, hitting one of Kareena's shoulders. Kareena angrily bats the gun from her hand and roars at her.

Red Daniel; Shan is running away now, seemingly realizing how much trouble she's in.

Acelegin; Kareena has taken to the air, looming over Shan menacingly. Shan trips as she's running, and falls to the ground. She crawls forward a bit and grabs... something. I can't quite make it out from this angle.

Red Daniel; Kareena swoops down and grabs Shan, lifting her into the air. This isn't looking good for her. If she gets dropped from high enough, it's game over for her.

Acelegin; Or Kareena can just bite her face off.

Red Daniel; Yeah, that to.

Acelegin; Kareena's flying up a bit higher. Apparently she's going with the first option.

Red Daniel; But it seems Shan isn't letting that happen. She just shot Kareena in the midsection.

Acelegin; It seems that “something” Shan picked up was Kareena's handgun from the beginning of the fight.

Red Daniel; They've both fallen to the ground. Shan landed on one of her arms, seeming to break it.

Acelegin; Kareena is struggling to get back to her feet, but that bullet wound is making it hard.

Red Daniel; Shan has pulled herself together and fired off a few more shots. One of them misses, but the others hit Kareena in the thigh and one of her shoulders. Kareena's now on her knees, barely able to move.

Acelegin; Shan is out of ammo now, and has abandoned the gun. She gotten back to her feet, and is now slowly approaching Kareena. She picks up her lost metal bat from earlier, and swings it as hard as she can at Kareena's head, snapping her neck.

Red Daniel; Ouch! Impressive swing, though. Only one hand.

Acelegin; Yep. It seems our winner is Shan Cassidy. Congratulations! Now someone get her some ice for that arm of hers.

Red Daniel; And someone else get an incinerator for the dead body.

Acelegin spritzes Red Daniel again.

Red Daniel; Gah! What was that one for!?

Acelegin shrugs.

Acelegin; Felt like it.

Red Daniel; Fuck you.

Acelegin; Whatever. Show's over! Everyone go home!