Acelegin; Hello, everybody! I'm
Acelegin, and I'm joined tonight by Red Daniel, who apparently has
the day off from work, and had nothing better to do than tag along
and annoy the hell out of me.
Red Daniel; That's right, baby! I'm
also a part of whatever this is! Speaking of which, the fuck is going
on?
Acelegin; We're here to provide
commentary on a fight between two Mythos characters.
Red Daniel; I see. And who exactly
arranged this event?
Acelegin; No idea. Someone powerful who
likes tournaments, I guess.
Red Daniel; Huh. Not ringing any bells.
So, who's murdering each other today?
Acelegin; I'm getting to that. Our
first contestant is... Shan Cassidy!
A spotlight comes on, casting light
on Shan, who's gripping her metal bat tightly, prepared for whatever
was about to happen.
Red
Daniel; Oo, she's a cutie.
Acelegin;
And her opponent is... Kareena Nejem!
A second spotlight comes on,
revealing Kareena, armed with a handgun.
Red
Daniel; Ah, yeah! Cat fight!
Acelegin produces a spray bottle
filled with water and spritzes Red Daniel with it.
Red Daniel; Ack!
What the hell?
Acelegin; No. Down
boy.
Red Daniel; I'm not
an animal!
Acelegin; Coulda
fooled me. Anyway, on to the randomized arena.
Acelegin spins a roulette wheel,
that slowly comes to a halt.
Acelegin; And our
arena is... a suburban strip mall that was recently hit by a 7.5
earthquake!
Red Daniel;
That's... weirdly specific...
The girls are transported to a
devastated shopping area in a suburban town.
Acelegin; All
right! Now that we have our fighters and our battleground, it's time
to begin the-
Red Daniel; Wait!
Don't start the fight yet!
Acelegin; What?
Why?
The camera zooms in dramatically on
Red Daniel's face.
Red Daniel; I need
to use the bathroom!
Acelegin, Shan, and Kareena all
stare at Red Daniel in disbelief.
Acelegin; Are you
fucking kidding me?
Red Daniel; I had a
lot of soda earlier.
Acelegin pinches his brow.
Acelegin; Ugh, fine. But make it quick.
Acelegin
turns to address Shan and Kareena.
Acelegin; And you two! Just chill out until he gets back. Don't start
fighting until I give the OK.
Red Daniel; Okay! I'll be back in a jiffy!
45 minutes
later.
Acelegin is
on his laptop, while Shan sits reading a magazine, and Kareena raids
an abandoned gas station, looking for salvageable snacks. Red Daniel
bursts into the announcer's booth.
Red Daniel; I have returned, peasants!
Acelegin
quickly shuts his laptop.
Acelegin; Jesus, Red! What the fuck took you so long!?
Red Daniel
stares at Acelegin's laptop for a moment.
Red Daniel; You were looking at Alice Angel fanart, weren't you?
Acelegin; Wh- I- NO! Shut up! Don't change the subject! What took you
so long!?
Red Daniel; Sorry. There was... um... a line...
Acelegin
glares skeptically at Red Daniel.
Acelegin; Riiiiight. Sure there was.
Acelegin
rises and addresses Shan and Kareena.
Acelegin; All right, girls! Do I have your attention!?
Shan and
Kareena stand up and turn their attention to the announcer's booth.
Acelegin; Red's finally back. Thank you both for being so
patient, but it's finally time for the main event to take place. Take
your positions!
Shan and
Kareena stand across from each other, readying their weapons.
Acelegin; Let the fight... BEGIN!
Shan and
Kareena begin charging at each other.
Acelegin; Okay, the fight is on, and Shan has somehow deflected one
of Kareena's bullets with her bat.
Red Daniel; You'd think the girl with the gun would have the
advantage.
Acelegin; Apparently not. Shan has now gotten up close and knocked
the gun from Kareena's hand.
Red Daniel; Yep. Kareena is now unarmed, but doesn't seem to be ready
to give up. She's dodging Shan's bat swings and trying to get some
hits in of her own.
Acelegin; And she's successful! Kareena has managed to land a hook
punch to Shan's jaw. But it wasn't enough to bring her down.
Red Daniel; Shan has managed to knock Kareena's legs out from under
her, and Kareena falls to the ground and... she's gone. Where the
fuck did she go?
Acelegin; She seems to have melted into the shadows. She's reappeared
a distance away, and seems to be catching her breath.
Red Daniel; Shan's noticed her, and is now running toward her, ready
to strike.
Acelegin; Something seems to have caught Kareena's eye, and she darts
behind some rubble, and emerges with... a machete? Why is there a
machete there!?
Red Daniel; Good question.
Acelegin
turns to Red Daniel angrily.
Acelegin; Red, did you spend the last 45 minutes hiding weapons
throughout the battlefield?
Red Daniel; What? No, of course not...
Acelegin; Red!
Red Daniel; Okay, maybe I hid a few weapons here and there...
Acelegin; Is that even allowed?
Red Daniel
shrugs.
Acelegin; If I get in trouble with whoever's in charge here over
this, I am absolutely throwing your sorry ass under the bus.
Red Daniel; Aren't we supposed to be providing commentary?
Acelegin; Shit! Right, I got distracted! Okay, it seems that Shan has
lost her metal bat, and is now wielding a Chinese dao that must have
been hidden somewhere. The battle has now become a full on sword
fight.
Red Daniel; Whoa, there's two Kareena's now! How the hell did that
happen?
Acelegin; Let me check the file real quick.
Acelegin
glances over a file on the fighters.
Acelegin; It seems Kareena can create illusions.
Red Daniel; Huh. Neat.
Acelegin; It seems Kareena is using illusion copies of her self to
throw off Shan. And it seems to be working quite well.
Red Daniel; Shan's begun retreating now, and is desperately looking
around for a better weapon to arm herself with.
Acelegin; She's now acquired a hand grenade. She's pulled the pin out
and tossed it in Kareena's direction, but Kareena was able to escape
by disappearing into a nearby shadow.
Red Daniel; She's better at escaping explosions than you are.
Acelegin
spritzes Red Daniel with his spray bottle again.
Red Daniel; Gah! Dick!
Acelegin; Kareena has reappeared, and she now has a shotgun. She
fires at Shan, but misses. Shan drops her sword and scoops up a
sub-machine gun.
Red Daniel; Both girls have taken cover and have begun firing at each
other.
Acelegin; It seems Kareena has run out of ammunition first. Shan
seems to have noticed this as well, and hs abandoned her cover to get
a closer shot.
Red Daniel; Whoa, what's going on with Kareena now? She's...
changing.
Acelegin; She seems to be shape-shifting into some kind of wolf bird
hybrid. IT looks painful.
Red Daniel; It's kind of hot.
Acelegin; Red, she's underaged.
Red Daniel; By how much? I can wait a year or t-
Acelegin
spritzes Red Daniel again.
Red Daniel; Damn it! Would you stop that!?
Acelegin; Kareena has completed her transformation. Shan has gotten
close and fired her gun, hitting one of Kareena's shoulders. Kareena
angrily bats the gun from her hand and roars at her.
Red Daniel; Shan is running away now, seemingly realizing how much
trouble she's in.
Acelegin; Kareena has taken to the air, looming over Shan menacingly.
Shan trips as she's running, and falls to the ground. She crawls
forward a bit and grabs... something. I can't quite make it out from
this angle.
Red Daniel; Kareena swoops down and grabs Shan, lifting her into the
air. This isn't looking good for her. If she gets dropped from high
enough, it's game over for her.
Acelegin; Or Kareena can just bite her face off.
Red Daniel; Yeah, that to.
Acelegin; Kareena's flying up a bit higher. Apparently she's going
with the first option.
Red Daniel; But it seems Shan isn't letting that happen. She just
shot Kareena in the midsection.
Acelegin; It seems that “something” Shan picked up was Kareena's
handgun from the beginning of the fight.
Red Daniel; They've both fallen to the ground. Shan landed on one of
her arms, seeming to break it.
Acelegin; Kareena is struggling to get back to her feet, but that
bullet wound is making it hard.
Red Daniel; Shan has pulled herself together and fired off a few more
shots. One of them misses, but the others hit Kareena in the thigh
and one of her shoulders. Kareena's now on her knees, barely able to
move.
Acelegin; Shan is out of ammo now, and has abandoned the gun. She
gotten back to her feet, and is now slowly approaching Kareena. She
picks up her lost metal bat from earlier, and swings it as hard as
she can at Kareena's head, snapping her neck.
Red Daniel; Ouch! Impressive swing, though. Only one hand.
Acelegin; Yep. It seems our winner is Shan Cassidy. Congratulations!
Now someone get her some ice for that arm of hers.
Red Daniel; And someone else get an incinerator for the dead body.
Acelegin
spritzes Red Daniel again.
Red Daniel; Gah! What was that one for!?
Acelegin
shrugs.
Acelegin; Felt like it.
Red Daniel; Fuck you.
Acelegin; Whatever. Show's over! Everyone go home!